Back From The Dead

Yeeeehah!

It's been ages since I've written any meaningful blog, but now seems like a good time to start again.

I was basically computerless for the last 3 years, relying on mobile devices only, esp. iPad. While that was very convenient, it somehow limited my ability to make new worksheets and be creative. Believe it or not, but I started making worksheets by hand. My new snazzy laptop should change this situation for the better. I have made Word documents out of all my handwritten worksheets, which are now available online.

I used to give people the opportunity to download my whole worksheet collection for a small fee, managing the process myself, but I have now decided to do this via an online worksheet store called TeachersPayTeachers as this is more convenient and speeds up the process considerably.

So go out there and check my stuff, maybe you'll end up spending some hard-earned cash (reasonable prices though IMHO).

Bye for now!

Money Matters

Are you financially sound?

It is often said that all the money in the world can't buy you happiness. On the other hand, many studies have shown that people who are free of money problems - or wallow in money - are usually much happier and care-free than the ones who don't. If you'd like to know where you stand as a foreigner teaching in a faraway land, complete the survey below and you'll have a better idea of how healthy your finances are.

Each ‘yes' answer is worth 1 point. ‘No' answers get you no points. Look below to see what your score means. This survey is 100% scientifically accurate: it has been tried and tested on a group of no fewer than three randomly chosen test subjects. Should your results deviate from the norm, please post your comments below. This survey can be used not only in Thailand, but in similar countries as well,

Questions

1. I have a full-time job - yes/no

2. I earn more than 30,000 baht a month (USD 1,000) - yes/no

3. I save money almost every a month - yes/no

4. I don't have loans to pay back - yes/no

5. I never borrow money from friends or family - yes/no

6. I have a credit card - yes/no

7. I have a nest egg in my country of origin - yes/no

8. I have access to a minimum of 100,000 baht (USD 3,000) emergency cash - yes/no

9. I have health insurance - yes/no

10. My rent (incl. utilities) is lower than one third of my income - yes/no

11. I can buy most things I want - yes/no

12. I will receive a government pension upon retirement - yes/no

13. I have a private pension scheme - yes/no

14. I have a family that will support me in my old age - yes/no

15. I hardly ever worry about money - yes/no

16. I am not addicted to bars or other entertainment venues - yes/no

17. I could afford a western lifestyle if I wanted to - yes/no

18. I have an inheritance coming my way - yes/no

19. I own property - yes/no

20. I am residing and/or working in the country legally (i.e. with proper visa and work permit) - yes/no

The verdict

16 to 20 points

Excellent! You are well prepared and financially quite healthy. You've got it all figured out and are probably living a care-free life of comfort abroad. Thinking of buying a new flat-screen TV, a car or even a house is not a pipe dream for you but a real possibility. You regularly splash out on fine western food and quality clothes, or could if you wanted to. Friends and family may describe you as either generous or tight-fisted.
How to improve your financial situation: Gradually migrate to a more local lifestyle, if you haven't already done so. Invest wisely. Enjoy your life more by spending some of that dough or share some of your wealth, Scrooge.

11 to 15 points

Not bad at all. You're living a life of relative luxury in a tropical land. You are possibly spending more than you should and take life one day at a time. You're not worried too much about when your next pay cheque will be and you don't owe money to colleagues, family or the local som tam vendor. You're cruising but haven't thought of long-term planning yet.

How to improve your financial situation: Start drinking Leo instead of Heineken. Do some overtime or get an extra part-time job. Cut down on rent for housing and friends.

5 to 10 points

Technically you've failed the test, but there is a sparkle of hope. You enjoy life a bit too much and may have a hole in your pocket. Either that or you're working for a pittance - possibly because you're inexperienced or unqualified.
How to improve your financial situation: Get a better-paid job, or rather hide your tattoos and get a job. Save more, drink less. Go native: food courts, a shoe-box apartment and cheap or no booze should become your friends. Hope a wealthy relative without any heirs croaks sooner rather than later.

Fewer than 5 points

You are in dire straits financially. You don't know when the next meal will be. You won't be able to pay the rent if you aren't sleeping in parks yet. You are either addicted, a complete failure at keeping (or getting) a job or simply an expat hobo. How to improve your financial situation: Your plans for getting out of this black hole probably involve robbing a local 7-Eleven or selling a kidney. Jumping from a tall building might be the quickest way out of your misery.

Conclusion

Although this mock survey belongs to the lighter side of the financial spectrum, one cannot ignore the importance of being well-prepared when living and/or working abroad. A steady job that pays well enough is the basis of any sound household (millionaires excluded) and at the end of the month, you should have spent less than you earned. Ideally, you should be able to set aside at least some of your salary every month. How else are you going to pay for your next holiday, visit back home, set of false teeth or that new DSLR camera?

Being prepared for all eventualities (e.g. temporary unemployment) or even small catastrophes (e.g. accident or health problems) is simply common sense. You may find yourself out of a job unexpectedly, need a hip replacement or go on holiday. And don't forget, somebody will have to pay for your Thai mother-in-law's funeral rites (if applicable) or the sick buffalo's medication and, guess what, that person would be you.

Unless you plan to live a life of forced moderation and Spartan accommodation, you'll need at least some sort of pension to see you through your old age. This might still seem a distant future now, but remember that times flies when you're having fun. You don't want to find yourself in the situation where you're considered pitiful not just by fellow expats, but also by locals. By the way, making some extra cash on the side by collecting and selling recyclable crap is on the Ministry of Labour's ‘forbidden jobs for foreigners' list.

Without any savings or benefits from either a public or private pension scheme in your old age, you might be forced to opt for the ‘Go Native scheme' (the fried rice & Sangsom approach), the ‘Bangkok Pension Plan' (wait for moneyed relatives to expire) or go out with a bang aka ‘The Flying Club'. None of these options is ideal if you ask me. Anyway, I won't lecture others on what to do - or not to do - but don't blame me later for not warning you.

Travel phrasebooks - blessing or curse?

Sometimes a phrase book can be the one thing you wish you had left at home.

I've been doing some travelling in China lately so I dusted off my travel phrasebook to make sure I'd be able to practise some useful language and not feel too alien in this country with more than one billion locals.

The phrasebook I use belongs to the Gem series (I won't mention the publisher in order to save them the embarrassment), and it truly contains a generous number of gems. I wonder who writes these guides and if they have ever travelled to the country they're writing about - or even travelled at all. By the way, the book claims to cater to the (first-time) tourist and business traveller alike.

However, many of the words and phrases in it are completely useless and should be replaced by more interesting and vital language. I won't deny that the guide can still be of valuable help, but would be even more so if it had been devised with some forethought. What follows are some of the phrases I particularly liked but would never use in a million years.

Top ten tips

Tip 3 - Do not give pears to people in hospital; the word for pear is similar to the word for leave and so insinuates that you want them to die.

This is all very well, but should this really be a top tip? What are the odds of you visiting a local in hospital when travelling? Slim, I'd say. And what are the odds of you taking pears of all fruits as a gift? Infinitesimal is the word we're looking for.

Talking to people

See you on Monday
Tough luck if you want to meet on another day. You could always refer to the unit on ‘Time' of course, but that'll take you forever because you'll also have to find out which Chinese word to replace in the original phrase.

Key phrases

Do you have milk?
Okay, it might be nice to get some milk with your coffee, but listing this as a key phrase seems somewhat over the top, doesn't it. By the way, maybe you should try some tea while you're in China.

We'd like to go home.
Not really giving a lot of confidence to someone preparing a trip to China, especially since it's considered a key phrase.

How does this work?
I'm puzzled as to what ‘this' refers to. The TV in your room? The air-conditioning unit? The electric kettle? If the answer is one of these - or all of the above - one should wonder if you are really fit to be travelling on your own.

Making friends

Please allow me to introduce these distinguished guests.
Just don't try to say this stuff in Chinese unless your Mandarin is already pretty advanced. Anyway, I suppose the Chinese should be saying this about you if you're a businessman visiting China.

Weather

Do you think it is going to rain?
Do you think there will be a storm?
Will it be foggy?
Did you really think the Chinese are all weather oracles? If you'd like to have these questions answered, just Google ‘weather China' and Bob's your uncle.

You may hear

Almost every chapter in the phrasebook has some examples of phrases you may hear. This is all very well, but the author seems to have forgotten that even though you hear it, you won't understand it, and no phrasebook in the world is gong to change that. Add the difference between written Chinese pinyin and its pronunciation (e.g. ‘si' is pronounced ‘suh') and you have mission impossible. After having lived almost a year in the country and having taken the occasional Mandarin lesson, I still have problems understanding the most basic of sentences. Do you really think a first-time traveller to China will understand the following phrases? I highly doubt it. (Tone marks omitted)

• qing cheng-zuo di-tie, zuo di-tie yao kuai-xie (take the metro, it's quicker). The metro is definitely quicker, but as it'll take you forever figuring out what this phrase means, hopping on the first bus or even walking could be faster.
• zhe-zhong yan-se wo-men zhi-you zhe-yi chi-cun (in this colour we have only this size). When shopping, remember that what you see is what you get. The lovely blouse you like will probably not be available in extra large and fuchsia.

Getting around

Is there a tram to...?
A tram? Give me a break. They should really add words like hovercraft and Flying Boxcar if they want to be consistent.

How does the ticket machine work?
Just point to your destination on the touch screen and insert your money, how else would it work? Asking an employee this kind of question won't get you a lot of joy, believe me.

Can you go a little faster?
Unless you're talking to an anaemic pedicab driver or a Sherpa who's about to collapse, I don't see any need to ever use this phrase while in China. I wish they had included its opposite number ‘Could you go a little more slowly?' At least that would have been useful when you're in a taxi or a bus with a crazed driver at the wheel.

Where is the luggage for the flight from...?
Ever heard of monitors showing which carousel your luggage is supposed to be on? If this is your first trip abroad, you might have chosen an easier country than China.

Do I have to pay duty on this?
According to the phrasebook, you're supposed to ask this question when seeing a customs officer. I think you'd be better off putting a sticker on your forehead saying ‘Idiot approaching'. If you really use this question, do so in the shop before buying toilet water, booze and fags.

Driving

I want to hire a car for ... days.
Oh really? Hire a car? In China? Strangely enough the phrasebook keeps going on about cars. I wonder if the author has ever been to China, let alone try to hire a car when there. Although it is possible to hire a car plus driver, this is not what the phrasebook has in mind (see next question).

Do we need snow chains?
Well, well, well. Not only are you going to hire a car, but you're going to drive it into some snowy mountains as well. Are you sure that's a bright idea?

My car has broken down.
Yeah right, I told you so. I hope this didn't happen while scaling the slippery slopes of some mountain in the middle of nowhere.

I've run out of petrol.
It's probably better to use the phrase ‘I'm an absolute moron, get me out of here' than the one proffered.

Staying somewhere

Where can I park the car?
At least the author is consistent. He's hell-bent on renting a car and will bug you with it whenever possible.

Are there any messages for me?
Unless you're James Bond playing in a 70s or 80s movie, the answer is no, there aren't any. Who in his right mind would expect messages having been left at reception when the year is 2010? And no, the phrasebook is not ancient; it's very recent in fact.

Please prepare the bill.
Why not just say ‘I'd like to check out'? Phrases like this probably just confuse the hell out of hotel staff since foreigners are always required to pay in advance anyway. If you live in China and need a tax receipt, you should ask for a fapiao, but of course that's something which the phrasebook doesn't mention.

Is there a restaurant on the campsite?
Christ on a bicycle. Going camping in China? Although there are some famous holy mountains that attract a lot of pilgrims staying overnight, I'd say that the average tourist doesn't really go to China in order to go camping. And if they do, they should play it safe and take some food of their own.

How much is it per caravan?
A what? A caravan? I doubt there's a single caravan in the whole of China. I wouldn't have a clue where to get one even if my life depended on it. By the way, you'd have to rent a car to pull it as well. No wonder the Chinese think a fair number of foreigners are retarded or slightly odd when they're bombarded with these sorts of questions.

Shopping

Do you have collected poems of the Tang poetry? (sic)
Is that in English or Chinese? If in Chinese, you won't need this phrasebook. If it's in English, you'd be better off browsing E-bay or Amazon and buy them online. If you really insist on buying them in China, try finding and ordering them on the local E-bay called http://www.taobao.com (Chinese interface only) and have them delivered to your hotel. Good luck with that.

Is this Ming porcelain?
If you're really into buying expensive antiques, I'd suggest using a reliable local guide instead of a crummy phrasebook. If you're an expert on this stuff, you shouldn't be asking this question at all. If you're an ignorant tourist, get ready to be ripped off.

Do you have the original terracotta?
Is that the clay pot or the life-size warrior we're talking about? Anyway, if it's a souvenir, just buy something that looks good. Who cares if it's original or fake terracotta?

A film for this camcorder, please.
Excuse me? Film? Oh yes, the stuff that was used before DVD and hard drive cameras hit the market. And would Madam like some rolls of black and white film for her vintage SLR camera?

Supermarket words given in the phrasebook include bowl, flour and rolling pin.
Unless you intend to bake some scones or pumpkin bread in the oven you brought along, I doubt there will ever be a need for these items.

Leisure

Are there any good concerts on?
Warning: What may sound good to the Chinese won't be necessarily to your taste. Opinion questions are always tricky (remember Aunt Mabel asking you if you liked her new hairstyle).

What's on at the cinema?
Where on Earth would you ask this question? At the box office where the walls are plastered with 3-storey high billboards advertising all the movies? At your hotel? At the nearest public toilet? Buggered if I know.

What's on at the theatre?
As if you're going to understand Chinese theatre. You don't go to the theatre in your own country, so would you do it in China? You might want to try opera, which is impossible to understand wherever you are anyway.

Where is the television?
I hope you only use this question in case you're blind, or as a rhetoric question when it becomes apparent that a thief has stolen the TV from your hotel room.

How do you switch it on?
Why not try the button at the bottom of the TV or the one on top of the remote? You could always order the Idiot's Guide to Switching on a TV of course.

What is on television?
Ever heard of channel surfing? That's usually the best way to find out what's on TV in a foreign country.

I want to hire skis.
I hope you have good medical coverage and are an experienced skier if you decide to utter this phrase.

Can you adjust my bindings?
Uh-oh. Experienced skiers shouldn't be asking these kinds of questions.

Communications

Could you ask him to call me when he gets back?
Yeah right. Did you really think the receptionist will understand this phrase when spoken in your dodgy Chinese?

We were cut off.
Should read: Did you just hang up on me because you didn't understand a word of my broken Mandarin?

This is a very bad line.
Should read: I don't actually understand a word you're saying.

I'll call back later.
Should read: I've given up; making calls in Chinese is not my forte. Let's just end this conversation without losing face.

Do you have an email?
The phrasebook means email account as the question is immediately followed by ‘What's your email address?' and of course the answer is yes. Who doesn't have an email account?

Do you have a fax?
I wouldn't be surprised if the other party asks if you have a typewriter.

I want to send a fax.
Why not inquire to see if the hotel has a supply of carrier pigeons?

Practicalities

Can I pay with euros/Swiss francs?
And by the way, you wouldn't happen to accept Zimbabwean dollars or Gambian dalasis, would you?

I want to change these traveller's cheques.
I didn't even know the bloody things still existed. People using these probably don't qualify for a credit card - or even a debit card.

Can I use my credit card at the cash dispenser?
How would the Chinese know - even if they understood your pidgin Mandarin? Just look at the bloody machine and see if it's got ‘your' sticker on it (I'm referring to the Cirrus, Maestro, Visa, Union Pay and other logos).

This is broken. Is it worth repairing?
Are we talking about glasses, a camera, a sex toy? China's a country where you buy stuff, not have it repaired.

I'm lost.
Good on you. I hope you don't expect a Chinese Samaritan to take you by the hand and lead you back to your hotel. Let's just hope this didn't happen on a snowy mountain where you were the only tourist on the campsite.

I have lost my money.
Well I hope you didn't lose your bank cards or your return ticket. Just don't expect your local embassy to cough up any money to help you out.

Fire!
You'll end up being the attraction yourself if you start shouting ‘Fire' in broken Chinese. People won't even bother dousing the flames or calling the fire brigade as long as they can see a foreign monkey screaming his head off.

I have crashed my car on the motorway.
I told you so. Don't go renting a car in a country where you can't even read the road signs, let alone the dashboard information.

My car has been stolen.
Uh-oh. Better hope you paid extra for comprehensive insurance. The phrase ‘What's the quickest way to get out of the country?' might be more appropriate in this situation.

I didn't know there was a speed limit.
Yeah right. Just pay your dues and get on with it. The phrase ‘Would you accept a small gift, officer?' might be too risky in this highly regulated country, especially if you're big-nosed.

Health

I'm having breathing difficulties at the moment.
And I'm sure you'll have more when trying to utter this phrase in Chinese. I think just breathing heavily and pointing to your chest should do the trick.

My heart is beating very fast at the moment.
Just hold two hands to your heart to mimic a fast-beating heart. Unless the doctor you're seeing is blind, he'll understand.

Will I have to pay?
Another screamer. Did you really think the cost of your treatment would be covered by the local NHS?

Can you repair my dentures?
Just try saying this phrase in Chinese without your dentures. Mission impossible if there ever was one.

Do you have wheelchairs?
If you're really in need of one of these, I'd bring my own. If you had an accident while travelling, just buy one as the basic models are dirt cheap.

Do you have an induction loop?
WTF? I won't even bother trying to comment on this.

Is there somewhere I can sit down?
I suggest looking around for a bench or a chair. If you don't see any, try sitting on the ground or floor. Asking anyone Chinese this question is tantamount to saying ‘I'm blind' or ‘I'm an idiot'.

Time

What is today's date?
Unless you have Alzheimer's, it's better not to ask these kinds of questions. There are so many ways to find out what the day or date is (digital watch, mobile phone, Internet etc.) that it's simple preposterous bothering locals with this nonsense.

What time is it, please?
Again, unless your watch just stopped or your mobile phone's battery is dead, don't ask silly questions. Just look at the wall clock if there is one.

Eating out

What is the dish of the day?
Reality check: We're in China, not France or Italy. Most restaurants have set menus and an extensive a la carte menu. I've never seen a dish of the day advertised, at least not in English.

Do you have a tourist menu?
Why not just ask ‘Rip me off, please'?

What is the speciality of the house?
Did you really think the restaurant had a waiter standby with enough English skills to explain all this?

Can you tell me what this is?
Well, if you can't make out from a picture or English translation what something on the menu is - or were you looking at it directly maybe while it's still alive - it's probably a good idea to steer clear from ordering it, unless you want to end up with sea cucumber salad, turtle soup, pig's intestines or bull's penis on your plate.

Are there any vegetarian restaurants here?
As the guidebook rightly points out, there are hardly any vegetarian restaurants in China, so I wonder why they insist on adding this question. Usually Taiwanese restaurants have a wide variety of veggie dishes, or you could just ask for some tofu dishes. This is my advice of course, not the phrasebook's.

Which dishes have no meat?
For crying out loud, try a dish listed under ‘Vegetables' or order a veggie or tofu dish listed in your phrasebook.

Which dishes have no fish?
Why don't you try the meat or veggie dishes? And stop whining like a spoilt brat that doesn't want to eat what mummy puts on the table.

I don't like meat.
Well, don't order or eat it then. Saying this to anyone Chinese won't get you anywhere apart from making locals think that you belong in a loonie bin.

Can you recommend a good local wine?
Why not just ask ‘Please bring me the most expensive Chinese wine on the menu'? The result will be the same anyway.

Menu reader

The guidebook also has an extensive list of Chinese dishes. That's all very well if you'd like to order stir-fried scallops with asparagus or stewed carp with soy sauce, ginger and spring onions. However, basic dishes that are tasty, quite cheap and easy to find such as chicken, red pork or roast duck on rice are all missing. There is a translation for roast duck (kao ya), but if you order that in a restaurant you'll get the whole bird, unless your waiter has half a brain and asks you if you want half or a quarter. The phrasebook is excellent for those willing to order noodle soup with mixed seafood, but fans of more widespread dishes such as beef, pork or chicken noodle soup are left in the cold.

Backseat driver

I know that I've been criticising this phrasebook excessively, as it's still a useful item when travelling. I was just for a laugh anyway, but go on and call me a back-seat driver. However, it's a fact that with some more reflexion, travel experience and teaching techniques in mind, one could it make it so much better.

Instead of giving all these fixed phrases, why not provide more skeleton phrases or chunks of language which travellers can use to insert their own vocabulary. Instead of ‘Do you have milk', why not give the phrase ‘Do you have...?' and let people complete it with what they need, be it milk, a map, a bar of soap or a dildo (note: these kinds of toys are for sale in China).

Other useful phrases could be ‘Where is the...?', ‘When does the ... leave?', ‘How much is/are the...?' etc. I admit some fixed phrases could still be useful, but instead of ‘Where can I have my tie dry-cleaned?' or ‘How much does a pair of suspenders cost?' I'd like to see stuff like ‘We've run out of toilet paper', ‘Where is the nearest supermarket?', ‘What's the Wi-Fi password?' or ‘Do the rooms have broadband Internet access?'

By the way, I think I know what happened. A long time ago, someone must have made a phrasebook for probably a European country and that booklet became a template to make many more. What the authors forgot, however, is that you just cannot transplant every single phrase into another language. Different countries have different cultures and do many things differently - or not at all. Anyway, I hope I didn't scare you off coming to China. I might put together an Idiot's Guide to Travelling in China when I have the time. Have fun.

9th June 2010

It does matter if you’re black or white

The blatant discrimination in TEFL job ads

27th May 2010

Although I'm absolutely no Michael Jackson fan, I do agree with a line from one of his songs stating that "It don't (sic) matter if you're black or white", especially when it comes to recruiting well-qualified and adequate teachers. I wholeheartedly agree that black can be beautiful, even if the statement came from one of the whitest black guys that ever walked the Earth. This blog article will go a bit deeper into the whole gamut of discriminations EFL teachers are up against when applying for a job in a far away land.

Black vs. white

Although it is rarely mentioned in job ads, most if not all Asian recruiters on the lookout for teachers are after whities. And let's make no mistake about it: the prize specimens are Caucasian white, not some locals having overindulged in skin-whitening products.

Does that mean blacks (or other shades) have absolutely no chance whatsoever of finding a job? Not really. There are plenty of opportunities, but these candidates will just have to look longer and harder before finding a decent position. As there is a chronic English teacher shortage in Asia, things will look up sooner or later as schools get desperate to put teachers in the classrooms.

Why this preference for white-skinned, blonde-haired and blue-eyed teachers in Asia? I guess most parents mistakenly believe that these are the best teachers. School administrators just go along with their misguided clients as ‘the customer is always right' (even if they're not).

What to do about it? Not much we can do really, except grin and bear it, and prove them wrong by putting on an excellent performance in the classroom which cannot be ignored.

Requirements: White Native speakers prefered (sic).
Remark: Shame on this (Chinese) recruiter.

Western vs. Asian

Not only black teachers can encounter bigoted parents and school administrators. Foreign born Asians such as ABCs (American born Chinese) or ABTs (American born Thais) will often have a difficult time persuading schools to hire them. Sometimes these teachers - who carry foreign passports - don't even speak their parents' or grand-parents' tongue anymore. Again, ruling these job seekers out - even if they're qualified - is a parochial approach that doesn't have a place in our globalised world.

Requirements: Western English teacher.
Remark: Just another way of saying that applicants should be white and big-nosed if they want to work for this employer.

British vs. American

Some job ads specifically target British or American teachers. If there's a good reason, well okay. Problem is that there hardly ever is any good reason. Students often think that because they are going to a particular country they need a teacher coming from there.

If it's for cultural reasons, I might be inclined to agree, but if it's just to better their English skills when going to the USA, a Canadian teacher could do just as good a job as an American one. If it's for immigration or political purposes, there's not much one can do (Saudi Arabia for example only wants Brits, Mexico is keen on EU passports while Taiwan and Korea are in love with US and Canadian teachers).

Fair enough if you want a Brit in order to learn the Queen's English or Received Pronunciation, but really, who would want this in an evermore globalised world where global or international English will rule the roost instead of a local variant? By the way, not all Brits speak like the Queen, innit?

Requirements: British teachers wanted.
Remark: Tough luck for Ozzies, Kiwis, Irish, South Africans and both native and non-native speakers from other countries. Remote possibility that this requirement is well-founded. However, I bet it isn't.

Native vs. non-native speaker

‘English teachers should be native speakers'. I don't know where this old chestnut came from, but were this true more than 90 per cent of all English teachers worldwide should be retired straight away. Teaching English in most countries around the globe is done by local English teachers. Swedish teachers teach English in Sweden, Brazilian teachers teach English in Brazil, and so on. By the way, English teachers teach French in England, so actually teaching another language in most countries around the globe is done by local teachers.

Hardly ever do western countries employ imported native speakers to teach English. Given the overall level of English and fluency of their students, I'd say these local teachers are doing a pretty decent job. As a travel addict, I can say that many Europeans are very good at English; Latin America has a long way to go, but it's getting there; in Africa and the Middle East skills are basic but speakers make admirable efforts.

In Asia, however, especially Thailand and China, students seem to be studying the language of Shakespeare for more than a decade and still manage not to be able to utter basic phrases, hence the idea that the best teachers must be native speakers. School administrators and parents alike seem unable or unwilling to grasp that it is rather the ability of the local teachers and the motivation of students which are sorely lacking. They also seem to forget that no matter how good foreign teachers supposedly are, they won't be able to achieve much if you pool 50 to 70 uninterested students in a single classroom.

‘So who would you employ? Native or non-native speaker?', another blog on this website asked recently. I admit that well-qualified and enthusiastic native speakers would top my list. Second place, however, would go to the dedicated non-native speakers with near-native English proficiency. At the bottom of the list you'd find the unqualified, inexperienced and often job-hopping ‘teachers' that roam the world and whose prime objective is not to help students get better at English, but rather to pay off their student loans, booze and mate as much as humanly possible and ruin the reputation of every foreign teacher in the process.

How to assess a teacher's skills and qualities? Apart from having a butcher's at their CV and cover letter, a face-to-face or phone interview possibly combined with a demo lesson is an excellent way to do this. For non-native applicants, an interview by both the local recruiter and a native speaker (as the former is often not even able to recognize if someone is a native or non-native speaker) should uncover the suitable candidates. Also, either a customized or standardised test such as TOEFL or IELTS might be used to separate the weed from the chaff.

From a personal point of view, let me just add that among the best teachers I've ever hired, quite a few were non-native speakers.

Requirements: teachers from native English speaking country USA, Canada, British (sic).
Remark: All other nationalities are screwed if this policy is enforced. The only result will be that recruiters severely limit the applicants' pool and may miss out on excellent candidates from other countries (both native and non-native speaking). It is mainly because of this myopic world view that there is a chronic teacher shortage in several (Asian) countries and that often fly-by-night and unqualified teachers can acquire a job they really shouldn't be entrusted with.

Old vs. young

When is a person too old to be an effective teacher? I don't think there is a universal age limit, be it official or unofficial. Some countries limit the age of teachers to 60, others don't have any regulations at all.

In my opinion, real age is less important than the age you feel like. Some 50-year olds may still look, feel and act like spring chickens while other 30-year olds may already be burnt-out and jaded, and look as if they're carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Only face-to-face job interviews can really determine how old a person is. I'd probably prefer a dynamic 50-year old to a sullen 30-year old.

So is there an age when we're too old to be effective teachers? I'm sure there is. Problem is that it differs for each individual. Some could go on into their seventies (not unheard of as you may think), while others had better throw in the towel when approaching the official retirement age. Is it warranted to ask someone's age in a job ad? I suppose so. After all, you may not want a 73-year old to teach your kindergarten class or a 21-year old to teach the business executives seminar.

Requirements: Young English teacher, native English speaker, no degree required.
Remark: This employer clearly hasn't got a clue about effective recruiting. Inexperienced, unqualified, young native speakers are preferred over qualified and possibly more mature professional teachers. No wonder so many schools bitterly complain about the quality of the teachers they hire. However, instead of generalising and painting every foreign teacher black they should rather take most of the blame themselves if they follow the above recruitment policy.

Male vs. female

Are men or women better teachers? This is a tricky but also impossible question. There are excellent female teachers, but there are some damned good male ones as well. Some claim women are often better at teaching (very) young learners. This doesn't mean, however, that all men suck at this job. By the way, recruiters limiting a teacher search to women will get them a lot less applications to choose from, thus possibly missing out on the chance to sign up the illusive perfect male teacher.

Requirements: Under 45 years old - female (sic) are required.
Remark: Excellent chances of getting this job if you're a youngish female. Old hags (45+) and blokes haven't got a chance in hell. Schools should realise that some men can be great young learners' teachers as well and that not all females adore children.

Requirements vs. remuneration

The funny things when looking at job boards is, job requirements are usually very rigorous but salary is often a complete joke. Many salaries offered may seem high when compared to local salaries, but to lure a good English teacher to a faraway land, they should be more than peanuts. No wonder only 2nd or even 3rd tier monkeys apply for many of these positions.

By the way, very few applicants are interested to know that local Somchai's or Zhou Li's can survive on respectively 15,000 baht of 3,000 yuan a month. A foreign teacher may need some more creature comforts and might want to build up a nest egg for rainy days or a trip to their home country.

Better job ads
So what kind of teachers should schools be looking for and how can they improve their job ads? As far as I'm concerned, EFL job requirements should look more like this (adaptable to the local situation of course):

Requirements:
• Well-qualified: tertiary degree and teaching certificate
• Excellent English skills
• Dedicated and creative individuals
• Experience preferred

I've seen some ads recently asking for a neutral accent. I can only applaud this as teachers with heavy regional accents can be hard to understand, especially for beginners and elementary learners (not to mention friends and colleagues). However, this is often linked to the native speaker requirement, which it really shouldn't. If a speaker has a neutral English accent, can be clearly understood and if it's hard to determine where he's from when speaking, it shouldn't matter whether he's American, German, South African or Iranian. I'd hire a well-spoken and dedicated Hungarian or Zimbabwean instead of a native-speaking lager lout or redneck with bloodshot eyes any day.

Finally, schools and recruiters should start looking for the best qualified and most suitable candidates without limiting their scope using nationality, age, gender or skin colour. Only then can we truly improve education in a globalised world. Even if local attitudes seem to be rather narrow-minded, putting decent teachers - no matter what colour or origin - in front of an audience is often the best way to overcome the students' and parents' fears and make them understand that excellent teaching skills are not linked to appearance or colour of your passport. Foreign English teachers should be seen as educators and not exotic entertainers or foreign wizards with an innate teaching ability. Good luck to all of you currently on a job hunt.

PS: All job requirements in this article were taken from actual job postings.

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